February 2012
21 posts
“Only hang around people that are positive and make you feel good. Anybody who...”
– Amy Poehler (via babotofu)
My Response to Star Magazine
Last week, on Facebook, I got the following random message from somebody I’ve never heard of or met before:
hey lauren! my name is jeremy and i work as a reporter for star magazine. i understand that you might have (or still now) worked for the (I’ve removed the specific name for legal purposes) hotel in beverly hills. I’m reaching out to any employees who might know if...
If you don't have anything nice to say about...
I typically like to keep things pretty lighthearted and funny here, but I feel too strongly about this not to share.
Since I’m from Orlando and just moved to LA 5 months ago, the majority of my friends on Facebook are there, where it was apparently 30 degrees today. I couldn’t help but notice my news feed had a very obvious theme this morning.
Floridians (myself included) are...
Beards, Latinas, and Vegas
Shane: We need to hang out more
Me: I know we need to hang out but I saw on Facebook you shaved your beard off so I'm waiting until it grows back. I'm kind of weird about change and have a hard time getting used to stuff.
Me: My mom got a perm when I was 6, and I cried. A lot.
Shane: I knew it. I didn't know you dug the beard so much.
Me: I mean, it's a pretty fantastic beard. If it wasn't so taboo for girls to have facial hair, I'd embrace my Latina roots way more than I do
Shane: You're one of my favorite Latinas
Me: SHUT UP! I'm one of my favorite Latinas too! Shane, we have so much in common, it's eerie. (You couldn't hear it, but in my head I rolled the 'R' in eerie)
Shane: We do, fuck it, let's go to Vegas and make mistakes
Me: Done and done. I've been making mistakes NOT in Vegas my whole life, so bringing my fuck ups to a new city doesn't scare me.
Me: "What happens in Vegas, happens everywhere else too, just with less Elvis impersonators"
Shane: You really are a dream woman
Celebrity Supercouples
In case anybody is wondering how I spend waste my time, here is a list of my favorite celebrity couples, and their nicknames:
Brangelina (Brad & Angelina)
Bennifer (Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez Garner)
Oprayle (Oprah & Gayle)
MissPigmit (Miss Piggy & Kermit the Frog)
Portieneres (Portia DeRossi & Ellen Degeneres)
Maronny Osmond (Donny & Marie...
January 2012
18 posts
A Letter to 14 Year-Old Me
Dear Lauren,
Well, I can tell you that the good news is you’re going to live to finally be a grown up with nobody to answer to, just as you’ve always dreamed of. The bad news is, being a grown up isn’t always as exciting as you might imagine, so you are going to have nights spent on useless activities; writing a hypothetical letter to your younger, 14 year-old self, is just one...
My Mom Doesn't Believe in Me (or she's just really...
Me: Generous, forgiving moms are the key factor in most celebrity rags to riches stories
Mom: That's a myth.
Me: Maybe so, but just think of this as putting that beach house you've always wanted on layaway
Mom: Layaway means I'm buying it myself.
Me: Right, because that's technically what you're doing right now, only it's disguised as loaning me money to survive. The good part about this kind of layaway is that you actually get completely reimbursed with TONS of interest down the road
Me: I'm like a walking, talking hedge fund
Mom: Hedge funds are very high risk. That part is true.
President Cathy
Me: To keep the pattern going after Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, maybe the Cathy cartoon should run for president in 2016.
Jessica: Doesn't fit the pattern; I'd vote for her
Me: "My stance on foreign policy is chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, aack!!"
Jessica: She'd staff her entire cabinet with cats named after snack foods
Me: And every year the state of the union address would be about how all the halfway decent men in this country are already taken
Me: And during the election debates she'll be all sassy and say things like "I promise to lower taxes...now if only I could say the same for my weight...AACK!" (and we'll see those visible sweat droplets flying off her head)
Jessica: Her stance on immigration would just be, "Are they single?"
Me: "Ugh. Why does North Korea always have to be such a Miranda?"
Jessica: "We have to acknowledge the Bible Belt; it barely fits anymore!"
Me: "I'll pardon this turkey...but only if it pardons me from cheating on my diet"
Me: "The need for healthcare reform in this country is almost as big as my thighs!"
Me: And finally, as she sits at her desk in the oval office, which is now decorated with cat wall paper and littered with chocolate wrappers, Cathy will be hugging a box of tissues and crying as she exclaims, "I CAN'T BE THE PRESIDENT TODAY, I'M ON MY PERIOD! AAAAACK!!"
Some Of My Favorite Tweets From The Past
I don’t have a day job (or night job) anymore, which has opened up a lot of free time for me. Mostly I’ve been watching videos of conjoined twins on YouTube but the other day I actually took the time to go back and read my entire Twitter timeline. I like to use Twitter as a writing tool and I truly believe it’s made me a better joke writer, but I’ve had a hard time trying...
December 2011
24 posts
New Year's Resolutions 2012 Edition (If you...
I might be biting off more than I can chew this coming year, but I’ve decided to set several New Year’s resolutions, so here they are:
Expand my culinary skills past the “pasta in a box” level.
Be more interested in what other people have to say. Or get better at pretending to be more interested in what other people have to say. I blame Steve Jobs and the invention of...
