I don’t have a day job (or night job) anymore, which has opened up a lot of free time for me.  Mostly I’ve been watching videos of conjoined twins on YouTube but the other day I actually took the time to go back and read my entire Twitter timeline.  I like to use Twitter as a writing tool and I truly believe it’s made me a better joke writer, but I’ve had a hard time trying to shake that guilty feeling that it’s also a huge waste of time…that is until, I went back and read every one of my tweets which proved to be an even bigger waste of time.

Anyways, here are some of my favorite, less recent tweets:

When I think about how broke I am, I laugh. When I really, really think about how broke I am, I want to cry.

I don’t bite the hand that feeds me…I do throw up all over it when I’m full though.

“There is no ‘i’ in cancer…because I don’t have cancer, you do” -insensitive doctor

Fashion Tip: I wear gym clothes to make people think I work out a lot which is the opposite of what’s really going on

9 out of 10 podiatrists agree, nobody likes to admit they’re a podiatrist.

In TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, real women share real stories of the most expensive bowel movement they’ve ever had

All rise for the honorable Judge Reinhold. This ABC Family Original Movie will now proceed.

“I haven’t seen this many white people since the last time I made a joke about seeing this many white people” -Black Comic

I BET RICK MORANIS (hates “honey i shrunk the” references if he) HAS A SMALL PENIS

Pieces of Shit Like You would be a good name for a breakfast cereal

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and warn Paul Reiser about the future

Somebody names @AllAsians is following me. After further research, I was pretty disappointed to find out it’s just one Asian.

I guess I’ll never truly know if my paranoia is a symptom of being mentally ill, because all those doctors who said so can NOT be trusted.

Did you know Paul Giamatti is happily married to Grey’s Anatomy actress Sandra..Oh my god, they’re divorced?!

Let’s play the travel edition of Clue! Who killed the crying baby? It was me, on the plane, with my bare hands.

New TSA rule: All small children should be checked with baggage instead of riding in the cabin

Confession: I google words before I tweet them to make sure their spelled right. The grammar comes natural though.

Selling my furniture on Craigslist, and boy have I gotten a lot of offers on this one night stand.

My photographer friend just told me how hard it is to shoot a baby…so apparently she’s never been on a plane with one.

If I’m ever rich, I’ll hire people to be my friends but we won’t hang out, and they’ll clean up after me, and wear uniforms as a formality.

If somebody had told me Dave Coulier’s post Full House career would fizzle out like it did, I would have told them to cut it out.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” How exactly am I supposed to BE ‘Chick Fil A open on Sundays?’

The real victims in the J. Lo/Marc Anthony divorce are the children. It’s not easy being raised by 2 separate staffs of nannies.

I’m at that fork in the road in my life right now where I can either adopt a cat or get out and make some friends.

“I love my life!” she exclaimed to herself while sitting alone in bed with a box of Cheez-Its.

I think I’m going to start a chant at this party “Slow clap, slow clap, slow clap!”

Just referenced Country Bears in a conversation at a bar. These people are totally buying it, they think I go out all the time!

The last time I drank, I got really emotional and kept shouting, “I don’t dress like Liz Lemon; Liz Lemon dresses like me!”

I am outraged that Chaz Bono has been cast in Dancing With The Stars, because it reminds me that Dancing With The Stars is still on the air.

‘My Kind of Child is on the Honor Roll’ -bumper sticker for a pedophile with high standards

Lil Wayne is overrated, I don’t care what my white guilt says.

I bet Little Richard obnoxiously refers to his penis as Big Richard

I have done such a good job watering my roommate’s plants while she’s been on vacation. She’s not even going to notice her cat’s dead!

When my friends discussed which Sex & The City characters we are, I got Miranda…rights read to me after running them over with my car

Sorry PETA, I would not rather go naked than wear fur. I would however go naked for a Klondike bar.

“Does my giant ass make my butt look big?” -Kim Kardashian

What happens in Aruba stays in Aruba. No seriously.