Dear Lauren,

Well, I can tell you that the good news is you’re going to live to finally be a grown up with nobody to answer to, just as you’ve always dreamed of.  The bad news is, being a grown up isn’t always as exciting as you might imagine, so you are going to have nights spent on useless activities; writing a hypothetical letter to your younger, 14 year-old self, is just one that comes to mind.

Listen, young me, I don’t want to get too carried away here and preach too much, because I know you’ll just get defensive and post something on your angst-filled livejournal blog about how the older, 22 year-old version of you is just another dumb adult who “doesn’t get it.”  But let me set one thing straight, teen Lauren.  I’m no adult.  I still don’t know how to cook, my socks are just as mismatched as yours are every day, and you know that collection of wacky costume glasses you’ve started?  Well brace yourself, because down the road, you will expand on this hobby by spending a stupid amount of money (that you don’t have, by the way) on an even more asinine assortment of ridiculous hats.  That’s right…hats.  So believe me, even though you might classify a 22 year-old as a grown up now, you’re going to find out that a great deal of your childish behaviors and poor decision-making skills, do not subside…at least not yet, anyway.

Part of me wants to outline, in detail, exactly what’s going to happen in the next 8 years for you.  But from what I’ve seen, knowing too much about your future can lead to mayhem, and before we know it, one of the versions of us is going to get stuck in a much less entertaining Wild West installment, where Doc Brown has fallen in love with Ted Danson’s wife.  Plus, it’s probably best I don’t spoil the surprise for you, because the lessons you’re going to learn over the next few years are too valuable to risk compromising. 

Instead, I want to give you a few words of advice that may help you get through some of your experiences to come, most of them in high school, some of them in the years following.  I realize these tips may not even make sense to you yet, but trust me young, angst-y Lauren, every single bit of what I’m about to write could help you more than you can possibly understand right now.  So listen up:

• I know as a self-conscious high school freshman, you’re desperately searching for the perfect way to conceal that custom-fit body brace you’re forced to wear after breaking your back this summer, but trust me, wearing overalls is not the way to go.  I mean it.  Throw the overalls away, Lauren.  Now.

• Don’t take it so hard when your friends want to branch out and make other friends now that you’re in high school.  Don’t worry, no matter how far you may drift apart in the next few years, there are a few you will never lose touch with, and if you think about it, you probably already know who they are.

• Stay involved in drama (the class, NOT the classic high school past time) no matter how weird you think the kids are.  I know you want to choose sports over continuing your theater studies past middle school, but you’ll benefit more in the longterm if you stick with the acting stuff.  Otherwise, you’ll find out the hard way that “being good at improv in the 8th grade” does not mean you’re automatically going to be good at it years later and “being good at sports” will actually do nothing to benefit you in your adult life.

• Cut back on the junk food, by the way.  You’ve always been tiny, and I know you’re excited about that big 8th grade growth spurt that brought you up to eye level with everyone.  But along with your new height, comes a newer, much slower metabolism.  And believe me, you won’t even realize how chubby you’re going to get until after high school, when people run into you years later, and bring up how much skinnier you look these days.

• Now that I think about it, don’t stress the chubby phase, you’re actually going to be one of the few who loses weight after high school, so it’s almost worth it to pack on the pounds now so you can experience that kind of joy later.

• While we’re talking about appearance, let me just reassure you, you can relax about your eyebrows.  You’re going to figure them out really soon, I promise.

• There’s a TV show coming out soon, called “Lost.”  Watch it, or you will feel left out in a lot of conversations for years to come.

• Try to be a little less disruptive in class.  I’m not telling you to keep your mouth shut, because trust me, excessive talking is something you’re actually going to continue to grow into rather than out of.  I’m just saying, maybe don’t climb out of a classroom window in the middle of a lecture to make a snack run for everyone sitting around you, or don’t shout out “Spanish!” when your AP Statistics teacher asks how she would tell construction workers where to place a “median.”  (Actually do, do that.  It was hilarious, if you do say so yourself)

• Be certain your alarm is set for AM, not PM before you go to sleep every night.  Those kinds of mistakes are how wearing two drastically different shoes to school happens.

• Without giving away too much, I’m going to warn you about the first time you get punched in the face.  I’m not going to tell you what grade it’s coming in or how it’s going to happen, the only thing I’m going to ask is that you move on once it’s over and avoid talking too much shit about the girl afterwards.  Because…SPOILER ALERT: She dies…years later in a totally unrelated incident, but still.

• Stay away from tequila.  Seriously, repeat after me: I will stay away from tequila.

• If you happen to camp out overnight in a parking lot for the grand opening of a new ice cream shop that’s offering a year supply of free ice cream for the first 50 customers, remember to actually bring money to BUY the first ice cream, or you’re going to look like a real jackass.  This is all hypothetical of course, I don’t want to give away anything too specific about the future.

• I know high school’s already been depressing so far, but I hate to break it to you: Things are going to get much, much, much worse in the next few years before they get better, but believe it or not the world never actually ends when you think it will, and some day you’re going to appreciate that hitting your rock bottom early makes you an interesting, and much funnier person later.

• Just so you know, if your house ever gets TP’d during homecoming week, don’t take your brother’s advice when he tells you to just burn the toilet paper with a lighter because the tree won’t catch fire.  You have been misinformed.

• Speaking of trees, don’t get too cocky when you get really good at backing your car out of your friend’s long, narrow driveway.  All it takes is one classic “accidentally slammed on the gas instead of the brake” slip up, and you’ve got yourself a Rav-4 somehow stuck perched, up in a tree and friends who are really awful at hiding their laughter when you walk back into the party you just left and dramatically fall to your knees in tears because your mom’s going to kill you.

• For the record, Mom doesn’t kill you that night.  She is going to get really, really close to killing you several times though, because you’re going to give her plenty of motives throughout the years.  Try to ease up on the poor woman, will you?  I know this is the hardest one for you to accept, but your mom’s not as awful as you think, and she’s actually going to save your life more than once in the next few years.  You don’t see it now, but Mom is Professor Snape.  She doesn’t seem to particularly like you, but she’s actually the hero who’s been protecting you this whole time.  Oh…wait…the last Harry Potter book doesn’t come out for another 4 years, does it?  Sorry about that.

• This is an important one: Don’t bully people.  The sooner you realize you don’t have to be mean to be funny, the funnier you’ll be, I promise.

• Hey, you know how you think tattoos are stupid?  Remind yourself of that every possible second of every day.  That way when you’re feeling rather impulsive at 18, you don’t do something you regret.  (This is probably the closest Mom will ever get to killing you, by the way)

• Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.  I know that’s easier said than done when you’re a teenager, but when you’re my age, you will have finally realized how glad you are that you get to be you, and nobody else.  It’s freeing when you finally stop trying to be what you think you should be, and start being who you always have been.  Wow…that definitely sounded very Oprah of me. (Oh yeah, did I mention we have a black president now?!  Oprah made us do it.) 

• Seriously though, let your freak flag fly, Lauren Brown.  Don’t waste time trying to cover it up (Which reminds me, you threw the overalls away, right?) because you are a total loon, and once you learn to accept this, you’ll wonder how you ever considered marching to the beat of anything other than your own drum.  And by “drum” I mean “dollar store harmonica” that you’ll write some great songs with (mostly involving trains, because you never actually learn how to play the harmonica).  Just a head’s up: Hide that thing when you go to bed, or Mom will sneak into your room and throw it away while you’re sleeping.

I’m starting to realize what a huge waste of time giving these pointers might be, since I’m sure you won’t get this letter because the technology for sending letters back in time has not yet been invented in 2012, and even if it was I would not be able to afford it anyway (Seriously, I can’t stress enough how broke you’re going to be in your early 20s).  But if there was a way that I could somehow go back in time and tell you something, it’d be this:

• Be the stubborn, strong-willed, person you always have been, and make every mistake that you’re about to make in the future, because trust me, you’re going to make some HUGE ones.  No matter how absolutely awful things are going to be at times, and how hopeless you’ll feel, every bit of it is going to help get you to where I am today.  (I’m the poorest I’ve ever been, living in  Los Angeles with a broken down car, surviving off of peanut butter sandwiches, in case you’re wondering)

The point is, no matter what happens, just know at the end of all this, your eyebrows will be in check, you’ll be one of the thinner and least pregnant girls from your graduating class, and despite how much reason you may give her at certain times, Mom never actually kills you, even if throwing that harmonica in the trash kills you a little bit on the inside.  There’s some really low lows coming your way, but I’m telling you, it’s only a matter of time before you’re living in Hollywood, surrounded by other crazies, just like you, and you’ll be going after the life you’ve always wanted.

Now, I realize you may not exactly feel comforted about becoming someone who is lame enough to spend time writing a letter to a younger version of herself, and for that, I can’t blame you.  So I’ll keep you posted if I hear any more promising news from any future, older versions of us.  If I don’t, we can only assume it’s because we’re going to be too busy with our wildly successful comedy career…or… we died alone in our apartment and our cats are eating our corpse right now in a future, alternate universe…but I’m sure it’s probably the first one…

Anyways, from one, still pretty young and naive Lauren, to an even more young and naive Lauren, here’s to the future! 

Sincerely, 

The older, wiser, still borrowing money from mom version of you,

Lauren (22 years of age)

P.S.  Don’t ever take part in any insensitive celebrity death pools.  When you correctly predict the death of your favorite Golden Girl, Rue McClanahan, 3 days before it happens, you’re going to be devastated.  Impressed with yourself?  Yes, but broken hearted nonetheless. 

P.P.S.  If you’re still trying to piece earlier clues together, no, Rue McClanahan is not the one who punches you in the face in high school.