Last week, on Facebook, I got the following random message from somebody I’ve never heard of or met before:

hey lauren! my name is jeremy and i work as a reporter for star magazine. i understand that you might have (or still now) worked for the (I’ve removed the specific name for legal purposes) hotel in beverly hills. I’m reaching out to any employees who might know if christina aguilera was seen acting a fool or whatnot at the hotel. or any other celebrity trainwreck encounter- they don’t even have to be recent. let me know if you have anything!
thanks!

-jeremy

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED JEREMY!! The following is what I wrote back to him:

Hey Jeremy!

I’m so sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. You see, I stopped working at the hotel 2 months ago, and I’m not going to say I got fired for being late every day, but I didn’t NOT get fired for being late every day, so let’s just leave it at that. To be honest, since I left that job, I’ve really been enjoying not being shit on by people in Beverly Hills (not literally shit on, that’s probably more of a Hollywood Blvd/Venice Boardwalk type of thing). I may have only spent a few months employed there, but let me just say ,if you’re looking for your typical “Christina acting a fool” celebrity trainwreck encounter, you’re talking to the wrong girl. Because what I saw there was much more than that. I’ve silently carried these celebrity tales and encounters like the weight of the world on my shoulders these past few months, but it’s time the truth comes out, and I think you and I can really achieve something here. Everything I’m about to unveil is what I saw through my very own eyes. You probably won’t believe most of what I’m about to share, but trust me, I could hardly believe it either.

• I guess I’ll start with the least shocking tidbit to ease into things. Chris Brown, has a terrible temper. He went completely ballistic when I tried to check him into his room while he was playing on his phone. I was just doing my job but he snapped and started screaming some nonsense about “Damn girl, don’t you see it’s my motherfuckin’ turn in this damn Words wit Friends shit? This is Alec Mothafuckin Baldwin I’m playin’ here and shit’s getting cray. Beatin’ people is my thing and I ain’t gonna let you change that.” (Ok, I’ll admit I added that last part with the “beating” pun)

• Courtney Love was at the hotel almost every single weekend, and in what may be the biggest bomb I’ll drop here, that woman goes to church every, single, week. When I worked Sunday mornings, while most of our guests were in bed hungover or still drunk from the night before, Courtney was on her way out the door, chipper and alert, bible in hand, dressed like a sister wife from that one TV show (Sister Wives).

• This next one might not qualify as “news” but I totally saw David Hasselhoff, only slightly tipsy, eating a cheeseburger…wait for it…off of a plate, which was on a table, which was not in a bathroom. A lot of celebrities have little incognito tricks so people won’t bother them in public, and this must be David’s, because not a single person bothered him the whole night. Though the jury’s still out on whether it was because they didn’t recognize him, or they didn’t really care about meeting David Hasselhoff (Our clientele wasn’t primarily German)

• Speaking of incognito tricks, celebs like to use an alias for their reservation, so people can’t just pick up the phone and call the hotel asking for them. They pick code names that nobody would ever guess, or care to call and get a hold of. I know I’m not supposed to give it away, but Justin Timberlake, he stays at hotels under the alias: Joey Fatone.

• Dina Lohan told me I was “just the cutest thing” and asked to try on my glasses. I should have let her keep them, because when she came downstairs later, she clearly had a little trouble navigating without them. I’m not totally sure if it was in fact a vision thing, but when she came downstairs, she stumbled off one of the elevators, directly into the elevator across from it. She stayed in there until her friend had to tell her that was not the exit. She was a really nice lady though, and now I believe everything she tells the media, because I really am kind of “the cutest thing.”

• Just a head’s up, Juliette Lewis gets real weird and won’t take you seriously if you ever tell her you loved her work in “The Other Sister.” Apparently she thinks you’re being “a sarcastic little shit” if you compliment her performance as Diane Keaton’s mentally handicapped daughter in one of Gary Marshal’s classics from the days before the “Look how many fucking people are in this movie” films we’ve now come to expect from Mr. Marshal.

• In real life, Adam Levine seems to have some sort of health problem or something, because he walks like an 80 year old dude. He was not kidding about his moves.

• Considering he practically owns half this town, Ryan Seacrest can be pretty demanding for such a little guy. As part of his daily turndown service, he insists on having 389 Taco Bell Chalupas, no more, no less, neatly lining the perimeter of his room. It’s for this reason, that even though I could never remember the exact square footage, I could at least help guests who were inquiring about the size of our rooms, using Chalupas as a form of measurement.

• Lil Wayne is not very good at all at making grilled cheese sandwiches. He volunteered to make one for me in our kitchen at about 3am, when I was working an overnight shift. The cheese wasn’t even melted, and I threw it away after two bites when he wasn’t looking.

• I hate to be the one to ruin this worldwide Adele love fest, but Adele isn’t actually British at all. It’s a total marketing ploy. One night, at the front desk, she slipped up and broke character in front of me, speaking in a way less charming American accent. I was actually sort of inspired by this discovery, which is why everybody I work with at the new job, actually thinks I’m British myself. It’s harder to keep up than I thought it would be; it seemed like it’d be fun but it turned out to be “total rubbish.”

• Wayne Knight is still a little bitter about his classic Seinfeld character haunting him for the rest of his career, a fact that he’ll make known to your supervisor, after he calls you to say his toilet is clogged, and you simply respond with “Neeeewmann!!!”

• When Susan Sarandon checked out of her room, I asked her what she thought of her stay, and she said she had no opinion on the matter. Interesting…

• I’m probably about to cause a HUGE media frenzy with this one, but this past year, Beyonce was actually pregnant. She and Jay-Z may have kept it hush-hush, and if my estimate is correct, they might have already had the kid. I expect at least six figures for sharing this bombshell: Jay-Z and Beyonce have a secret baby EVERYBODY!!

• When John Cusack calls to have his room service tray picked up, he stands outside the door in a trench coat holding the dirty tray above his head, as a funny homage to that one movie that I can’t remember the name of right now because I was born in 1989 and I don’t really feel like Googling it.

• Speaking of Google, one time, Taylor Swift spent an entire day in our business center, watching videos, reading articles, and even writing her own fanfiction about that serial killer Charlize Theron played in Monster, Aileen Wuornos. As far as what that may mean, your guess is as good as mine.

• A lot of times in hotels, guests ask you to take a picture of them, so they can have it as a keepsake. So once, Mark Whalberg asked me to take a picture of him, standing next to the large mirror in the lobby. He said he wanted to send out a picture of Mark Whalberg standing next to Mark Whalberg as his Christmas card next year. Which is kind of messed up if you ask me, because I’m pretty sure that guy has kids.

• This probably won’t surprise anyone, but I learned firsthand that Meryl Streep does some serious research when getting into character for future roles. She gets so into it, that no matter how many times you try to talk to her, as her, and say “Come on, Meryl, I know it’s you, just let me have an autograph” she will insist she has no idea what you’re talking about. Either way, I’m really excited for her next film to hit the big screen, you know, the one about a middle-aged, Ohio woman who’s visiting California for the first time and demands free breakfast coupons when the room you check her into isn’t hypoallergenic as she requested. Shit…you know what? I think there’s like a 12% chance that actually might not have been Meryl Streep.

Anyways, I guess that’s pretty much all I can think of for my short time being slave to the stars. I don’t know if any of this is usable, or suitable for the type of respectable articles Star magazine likes to put out. Either way, I can’t tell you how honored I am to be considered a trustworthy source by such serious, hard-hitting journalists. I also have a lot of inside info about the Republican presidential candidates and Mr. President himself (who’s actually just got a skin condition and isn’t really black at all), so if you guys ever want to do a political piece, I’m happy to help!

Sincerely,

Lauren N. Brown

P.S. I was hoping the satire would do the work here, but I sort of feel legally and morally obligated to say, you know I made all of this up, right?

I have not heard back from him….